ordinary

i want to be able to take a compliment without cutting myself on some imagined sharp end of it. i want to feel beautiful when i am naked and vulnerable with him, rather than obsessing over words he hasn’t said. i want to talk to people, freely, without having a concealed panic attack shaking me into oblivion in the closet over there. i want to be able to leave parties without the traditional sob-fest in the car. crying because they probably thought i was ugly and fat and stupid and mean for not helping them dust the snow off of their car when they gave me one of their own ice scrapers (im sorry i was just so scared you would think i was tragically more annoying).

give me a new set of lungs to breathe in. i don’t want to feel my chest caving in every time someone walks past and i fail to shroud myself in dramatic normalcy. i am tired of flogging myself for thinking im a freak, tired of walking across hallways of broken glass when i try to avoid my boss who probably thinks nothing more or negative of me than she has to.

i want to turn towards the sun and warm my face in peace. i want to sculpt angels out of icicles and show my friends without worry. i want to tell him all about the movie i just saw, without being anxious about whether or not i talk too much about feelings.

give me a new mind. give me happier thoughts. give me mercy to spread upon myself.

1 .Let her wear her red lipstick. It makes her feel beautiful and sexy at the same time. Respect it as well, don’t you dare smudge it. But when you get behind closed doors, don’t stop her from painting a masterpiece on your skin with her lips.
2. Don’t let her go to sleep without hearing your voice.
3. Flowers are never ever a bad idea, even when you don’t have a reason for giving them.
4. Wash her hair in the shower. You have no idea how relaxing it is.
5. Reassure her you love her. She’ll always worry about you leaving, you’ll learn why.
6. She’ll talk about her past when she’s ready, don’t push it.
7. Telling her she’s beautiful never hurts.
8. Give in sometimes even when you shouldn’t. She’s fought her whole life, it’s the last thing she wants to do.
9. Get drunk and stay in. She’ll spend most of her time confessing how much she loves you, and the rest of the night showing you.
10. She likes when you rub her back, but don’t touch her feet.
11. When she shaves her legs insist on feeling them.
12. She likes to talk about books, and loves when you write poetry about the color of her hair.
13. She hates to repeat herself, so listen closely.
14. Tell her stories about when you first fell for her, she loves to hear them.
15. Let her know when you’re having a bad day, not only will she appreciate the warning, she’ll do all she can to make it better.
16. When you count your blessings, count her twice. You really are so lucky to have her in your life.

If you’re not human in the next life you can be a tree. A big tree with a nice wide trunk that children wrap their arms around. A tree that a dog takes shade under. A tree that lovers carve their initials into. And they will hang swings from your branches, birds will nest in your canopy. An artist will look at you and fall in love, paint the way the sun filters through your leaves, do nude portrait of you in late fall. You will be a tree and you will live a thousand years and I will be everyone that admires you, that takes shelter in you, that loves you. I will always find you.